It's an uncertain world. The last time I felt this unsure about well, everything, I was a teenager: That's both exciting and terrifying. Like any good post-postmodernist I'm not usually willing to put money on absolute truth. But. There are a couple of things that are true often enough to count on. To reassure myself in the midst of so much violent change I've listed them below, in no particular order:
1) If you want someone to like you, bake them a pie.
2) If a woman uses the characters from Sex and the City to describe herself and/or any of her friends she is an asshole.
3) If a man wears a "Live Strong" bracelet, drives a Hummer, has a collection of hats and/or ironic facial hair (i.e. the Frat-Boy to Hipster ratio), he is an asshole.
4) When you are invited to someone's house, you should bring food (see No. 1).
5) You have to wear an undershirt under a white dress shirt. Yeah, you do. No one wants to see your nipples, man. Cover up.
6) Crystal rock natural deodorant does not work.
7) No matter how charming and well-intentioned they are, unless they are in recovery addicts make bad friends/lovers/spouses.
8) Nurses are angels.
9) Rape jokes are not funny.
10) Zionism is racism.
11) The Israeli Defense Forces murdered Rachel Corrie, the #Freedomflotilla peace activists and countless Palestinian men, women and children (see No. 10).
12) Ralph Nader is right, Helen Thomas should get her job back (see No. 10).
The video above, Young Fresh N New by Kelis* is dedicated to the 89-year old Thomas.
When the world feels like it's closing' in
And you don't know what you know
And you think about what's holding you
It's relatives and clothes
Just leave it all behind, you gotta get away
You gotta get away
Everybody
(Got to get away...)
Gotta get away
Hey, hey...
(I've got to get away...)
I've got to get away, yeah
Hey...
But I've gotta be young, fresh, and new
And you don't know what you know
And you think about what's holding you
It's relatives and clothes
Just leave it all behind, you gotta get away
You gotta get away
Everybody
(Got to get away...)
Gotta get away
Hey, hey...
(I've got to get away...)
I've got to get away, yeah
Hey...
But I've gotta be young, fresh, and new
* I always forget how much I love Kelis. I have a long-standing weakness for weird girls and Kelis is the mayor of that town (See: also, Bjork). She don't get enough credit, just sayin. (Sorry, Lady who now? Never heard of her.)
Coupla thangs.
ReplyDelete1. I love Kelis, and this song is on my short list of personal anthems. Except...erm, now I'm older-end-of-young, mostly-fresh, and been-around-the-block. I DID run away from. Ho-ome. Partial credit.
2. I'm a Miranda. *adjusts Asshole crown*
3. I support this pie policy.
4. Are visible nipples a man problem? Just curious.
5. Crystal deodorant is effective ONLY if you get it on your skin. (I.e., you haveta shave your pits.) It's still not as effective as Oyin Handmade's Funk Butter for natural deodorants. That stuff is Florida-proof.
6. Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup and yup.
7. I have a post queued up entitled "Short List Of Things I Know For Sure" that's a lot like this one. Except not as fun to read. :o)
8. This post needs more Rocket.
Does anybody really want to see a man's nipples? Are women and gay men really sitting around drinking coffee and saying to each other, "You should have seen him, his nipples were beautiful..."?
ReplyDeleteWant more Rocket? Okay: I gave him a bath today and he acted like I was trying to throw him into a live furnace. He pulled a plant off the sill and dumped it into the bathtub trying to escape so I had to work around dirt (now mud) and pebbles. He looked at me the whole time like, "How can you do this to me?" But now he smells like eucalyptus, so I win.
I can't disagree with any items of your list. But don't hate on Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. If anything, she made it okay for pop stars to look odd again, and not like strippers. I predict (read: hope) her music will get weirder.
ReplyDeleteI suppose you have a point re: Odd. But...you don't think Lady Gaga looks like a stripper?
ReplyDeleteDid you know that's Heidi Klum (about 1:13)?
ReplyDeleteYes, I am familiar with Ms. Klum.
ReplyDelete